


there are safe places in the shadows

by av_versiera



Category: Naruto, Naruto Shippuden
Genre: Angst, Baby Naruto, Character Study, Depression, Gen, impulsiveness is a symptom of trauma, nine-tails attack, reckless Kakashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26166871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/av_versiera/pseuds/av_versiera
Summary: Kakashi is not fit to be a guardian for Naruto, so in an impulsive split-second of his horrible decision making, he takes him away, despite the Third Hokage's orders for him to keep away.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Uzumaki Naruto, Namikaze Minato/Uzumaki Kushina
Comments: 2
Kudos: 88





	there are safe places in the shadows

Kakashi sensed it before anyone else. He feels the bad aura in the air, seeping into his skin and putting a heavy weight onto his blood to carry through all around his body. He cannot shake the feeling, and he looks to his friend, Gai, to ask him if he feels it too. Judging by the carefree and lax expression his friend has, Gai has no clue and the words almost die from Kakashi’s mouth. 

Maybe Kakashi is being paranoid again, which he finds happens very often. 

“Something’s wrong, don’t you feel it too?” Kakashi asks Gai, turning to his friend. 

  
  


Gai pauses and he looks to the sky. He frowns, and he finds that the sky is eerily dark and still. “It’s probably nothing.”

The two of them keep walking towards the direction they leisurely ambled towards earlier, when suddenly, a violent roar erupts in the air followed by hundreds of screams from people. Alarmed, Kakashi and Gai immediately took to the sides to avoid the oncoming tide of running villagers and tried to point civilians towards a safer area. The two of them look at each other, meaning to go towards the commotion, and follow the flying jonins overhead when they spot Genma, Asuma and Kurenai running towards them. 

“We’ve been summoned outside the village,” Asuma announces, panting a little. 

Kakashi’s skin prickles with goosebumps. A giant fox rampages in the distance, nine tails billowing angrily under the night sky. The full moon shines upon it, illuminating its red-orange fur. 

“Kakashi, come on!” Gai shouts above the noise and pulls him towards their friends. 

Kakashi’s instincts are telling him to go towards the fox, to readily lay down his life or to find his sensei and be of service to the Fourth Hokage but his friends made the choice for him as they pulled him away and they quickly ran out of the village. 

  
  


“Wait for Lord Fourth!” In the distance, they can hear the village’s shinobi shouting desperately, pulling all of their efforts to hold down the fort against the Kyuubi. It roared angrily in the air, and in its wake, it flattened half of the village easily. 

  
  


Kakashi feels helpless. A part of him is starting to blame himself for not pushing Minato sensei that he can still be on guard for them and that he didn’t need the day off. A part of him feels guilty that he is being made to sit this one out. He is a shinobi of this goddamned Hidden village. Why isn’t he fighting for it?

_Move, Kakashi_ , Kakashi scolds himself. _Damn it!_

  
  


Then, Kurenai steps forward. 

“Father, please, you have to let us help!” Kurenai pleads. 

The rest of his friends unanimously agreed, but they are immediately shut down by the elders guarding them, should they decide to leave the group and join the chaos in the village. 

  
  


“I’m sorry, Kurenai, but as your father and this generation’s teacher, our job is to protect each one of you so that the village can live on through you,” Kurenai’s father reasons. 

Just then, a giant frog manifests in the distance, appearing to squash the nine-tailed fox. Cheers erupt in the distance, a hopeful cry in the wake of tragedy–Minato is here and he will save them. 

Just knowing that his sensei is out there gives Kakashi a feeling of security. He stares on ahead coolly, still trying to tamper down the growing uneasiness inside of him. It will be alright, right?

What was it, the phrase that Minato loves to say? 

_The fire’s shadow illuminates the village_. 

  
  


It is Minato’s job to make sure this village lives on. This has been their life, their responsibility, and Minato will never be defeated unless he is the one laying down his life. That much, Kakashi knew. He genuinely believed in his father figure, despite the flaws that he has. 

  
  


An explosion rocks the earth and Kakashi and the others fall to the ground. 

The more they are being kept here untouched, the more restless he and his peers grew. They wanted in with the action. They know they all have responsibilities of carrying on the village’s will, but their loved ones are out there. Their people are in danger. 

  
  


“Father!” Kurenai cries desperately, trying to change his mind one more time. 

Kakashi clenches his fists, wanting to very much charge ahead but he is commanded to stay here. He shouldn’t leave. He shouldn’t go against authority. They are all acting under their Hokage’s orders and wishes. 

_Kakashi, you have to go_ , was his heart telling him. _Something is not right_.

  
  


However, the rational and conditioned part of him plants his feet down on the ground like he is carrying impossible weights. Another deafening roar is let out by the nine-tailed fox, and like a cord pulled off its plug, there is an impossible silence hanging in the air. Kakashi swallows the lump in his throat, and this time, he puts one foot in front of him and he sets out running. 

“Kakashi!” Gai shouts after him. 

  
  


Kakashi’s mind is racing, and he realizes that he is afraid of what he will find. He wants to swallow this fear down, but without his control, he is spiraling and the fear is seizing his own body and his train of thought. It is like he is living every moment of his nightmares, and this time, he is not asleep. He is awake and there is no escape, there is no end to this. The silence around him is unbearable and he wishes he is in battle so that he can ignore the dread creeping up his throat, wanting to suffocate him. 

In the distance, he begins to sense his sensei’s waning chakra and Kushina, and several others. There is no sign of the Kyuubi anywhere. 

  
  


Kakashi stops, and he puts a hand on his chest. There is a weight there that he can’t stand, and his lungs feel tight. He can barely breathe. 

Gritting his teeth, he keeps going towards the direction of Minato. 

Kakashi no longer possesses a calm and collected air, instead, he is trembling and out of his wits. He finds the clearing where Minato and Kushina lay, bloody on the ground. The Third is softly talking to Kushina, who is being supported by an ANBU, their faces grim. 

His sensei is on the ground, with a big gaping hole in his torso. None of this makes sense. This is not true. This must be an illusion. 

His sensei is on the ground, lying down. Unmoving. 

This is not right. 

  
  


“Kushina, you must rest,” the Third Hokage pleads. 

Kushina smiles, hauntingly peaceful. 

  
  


Kakashi is horrified. A choking sound made its way out of his mouth. He turns away from the scene and draws his mask down to vomit. 

Tears cloud his vision, and he tries to sober himself up from the grief but he can barely control himself any longer. He regains some sort of staggering composure, puts his mask back on and shoves away the other ANBU members to make his way towards his sensei. 

  
  


Kakashi no longer feels like he is in his own body. He feels like he is only a spectator to this scene, like he is just floating above his head, watching this moment unfold. 

Kushina is laid to rest on the ground, no longer responding to the Third’s calls. 

  
  


Someone tries to take Kakashi away, but Kakashi throws a fit and almost throws down the person. 

A loud, wailing cry pierces through Kakashi’s haze and somehow, he finds something to ground himself on. 

  
  


That’s right. 

Sensei’s son. _Naruto_. 

  
  


Kakashi slowly steps towards the Third, his hands shaking but desperately reaching towards the infant. 

  
  


The Third Hokage looks at the teenager, wary. “Kakashi,” he apprehends. 

Kakashi kneels in front of the Third and he bursts out crying again. “Please, let me see him. Let me hold him,” he pleads. “Please.”

  
  


Kakashi is so out of it, and he knows this, but he can’t reel himself back in. He has been holding in so much, repressing every trauma inside of him and now that the time has come for him to cry, he breaks like a dam, no holds barred. He no longer feels fourteen years old. He is just that little boy who found his father dead on the floor of his home. He is just that young boy, barely a teenager, barely fit to be a jonin, watching his friend Obito die and getting Rin killed by his own hand. 

At the same time, Kakashi feels old. Too old that his body is aching. 

  
  


“Lord Third,” Kakashi cries desperately. “Please.”

  
  


The infant, Naruto, keeps on crying, as if he is responding to Kakashi’s emotions. 

“Kakashi, you have to calm down,” the Third gently coaxes. “You can hold him, but not in that state.”

Kakashi continues to sob, and he wipes his tears away harshly. He tries to deny the death of his sensei but it is real, and it is right in his face. 

  
  


He closes his eyes, and he takes a deep breath. Slowly, the Third places baby Naruto into his arms. Kakashi receives the tiny child, fighting himself to stop shaking. Naruto is fussy and he is still crying, but the moment that Kakashi presses him against his chest, he stops crying immediately. 

Kakashi fights another sob coming and he holds the child against him, as if he is the anchor to Kakashi’s sanity. 

  
  


“Hi there, Naruto,” Kakashi murmurs. A tear betrays him and slips down his cheek. It drops on Naruto’s forehead. “Hi.” 

Kakashi closes his eyes and holds the living child just like that, and when the Third is about to pry him out of Kakashi’s hold, he turns away possessively, becoming more dependent on Naruto to bring him back to his senses. 

  
  


“Kakashi, you are not in the right state of mind to be with him right now,” the Third tells him. 

Kakashi shakes his head. “I’ll take care of him,” he murmurs, more to himself. 

“Kakashi,” the Third admonishes. 

  
  


It takes all of his will not to snap at the Third Hokage. However, it finally dawns on him that this tiny child needs proper care and right now, he can’t provide that. 

Though he needs to, or else he will feel like he is letting Minato and Kushina down. 

  
  


“You can see him later,” the Third takes Naruto away from him albeit, gently. “Go rest.” 

Kakashi wants to fight, but he knows that the Third is right. He is very out of it. He can barely hold himself together. 

How can he hold himself together?

  
  


~

  
  
  


Kakashi did not sleep. He did not eat. He did not even drink water until Gai was pressing a cool bottle into his hands and forced him to take a sip. Every now and then, he is staring at nothing, plagued by his own intrusive thoughts. He starts on another blaming spiral that fills him with guilt. Maybe if he had been on guard. Maybe if he had made it in time, or maybe if he was there to help. 

Was he reduced to this useless mess from now on? Will he never escape this continuous barrage of his own thoughts until he takes a final hit? 

  
  


Is that what he needs to do to make all of this stop? 

  
  


Kakashi clenches his fists, digging his nails against his palms. 

  
  


He goes with an ANBU team to recon the damage and be on guard, and he only went because he is hoping that something dangerous will happen to him. However, he is met with disappointment when he finds himself safely back in his apartment at the end of the day. 

He did not want to be here, but where will he go? He did not want to follow into his father’s footsteps, yet, it seems like that is the only thing that preoccupies his mind. 

  
  


He still does not sleep, and the days and the nights start to blend in together in a long, drawl of a ticking clock. His mind plays back different memories he thought he had forgotten, like when Kushina yelled at Minato angrily for putting him in the ANBU. At that time, he only wanted to be of service to the village, to just be reduced into an unfeeling weapon so he had blindly agreed. Did Minato really want that for him? Did he even understand the turmoil that is killing him slowly?

He was also mad at his sensei and blamed him for many things, but now, he is dead and they can’t resolve anything between them, just like with his father. He wanted to talk to Minato. He wanted his reassuring presence walking in front of him, leading the way. He wanted to see his gentle smile, even if at times, it infuriated him. Though later, he finds that his sensei was also trying to be strong for him, for his family and his village. 

He loved Minato, despite his faults, and he tries to be forgiving, but right now, he is angry at him for leaving him behind with a legacy he is not sure how to take care of. 

  
  


Kakashi walks to Obito’s grave, unable to utter his thoughts to his dead best friend. He remembers that it was just a few days ago where he is telling him and Rin that their sensei is about to have a child. 

Now. 

Now, he’s alone again. 

Everyone keeps dying. 

Kakashi is no stranger to death, and this time, it only proves that he is a dear acquaintance to it. Will Naruto meet the same fate? Is that why the Third Hokage keeps telling him to stay away from him? 

It has been days since he has seen Naruto, and although there is nothing more he wants than to be near the child to watch him and try to protect him, he is kept away by an order. 

Just until he is sound of mind. 

  
  


What does that mean? Should he bury everything again and push it back to the darkest recesses of his mind? If he does, he will end up turning off his compassion for anything. 

But isn’t that what a shinobi ought to do? 

  
  


Kakashi feels anger bubbling up inside of him and suddenly, his fist finds itself buried against his apartment wall. 

He is so sick of these shinobi rules, but he spent his whole life adhering to it that it sometimes hurt to do the opposite of the said rules. 

  
  


Kakashi tries to sleep but he is restless, and can only manage a short nap. Dawn is fresh in the horizon and he rouses up and flees his apartment through his window and heads towards the direction of the hospital, where he knows Naruto is being kept for now. 

Secretly, he finds the nursery ward and he cloaks himself so that he is unnoticeable. From the spot he is hiding in, he can see glimpses of baby Naruto, small and alone. His heart lurches painfully at the sight of him. 

He is suddenly angry at his village, accusing it of robbing its children’s parents. The anger makes him want to go out and chase after more dangerous missions but he is exhausted. He almost falls asleep against the wall, when the nursery ward is thrown into chaos as nurses and doctors and parents mile around to check up on the children. 

No one checks on Naruto. 

  
  


Kakashi watches the commotion, and his gaze lands on a woman carrying an infant in her arm and her hand holding a toddler. She seems to be staring at Naruto. 

Kakashi is suddenly on guard, ready to jump on any threats that will come to Naruto, but it dawns on him that the woman is staring at Naruto with sadness, as if she knows the plight this child is in. 

Then she leaves, and Kakashi catches the crest of the Uchiha clan on the back of their clothes. 

  
  


Kakashi stays there almost all day, and no one has disturbed Naruto at all. No one even held him. 

The thought eats at him, and before he knows it, he is pacing restlessly. 

  
  


Is there anyone guarding him? Didn’t the Third promise to take care of him? 

Kakashi takes off before his mind can get ahead of him. 

  
  


The next day, he returns, to guard Naruto in secret. He wants to make sure he will be alright and if no one will do it, then he will because he knows he is the only one who could. 

If Minato was here, Kakashi is absolutely sure that he would be the one watching his son anyways. 

If Minato was here, he and Kushina would be angry if they see how Naruto is being neglected like this. 

If they were here, Naruto would have his parents. 

  
  


Kakashi takes a deep breath, and in the next few seconds, he does not even think. His body moves on his own. He enters the nursery ward, and he walks to where Naruto is lying down. He leans forward and scoops him into his arms and he flees away, as quickly and as quietly as he could. 

He wraps Naruto in his cloak to keep him warm, and he runs wherever his feet can take him. It dawns to him that taking Naruto like this is pure stupidity, that he is not in his right mind and he is asking for trouble, but at the same time, he is sure that this is what he should be doing, or what he thinks he should be doing. 

  
  


Is it? 

Kakashi holds baby Naruto against him, and his heart softens almost immediately. 

  
  


Where can he take him? Should he run away with this little bundle that already looks so much like Minato? Where will he end up in? Is he ready to keep another person alive when he can barely keep his head above the waters that drowns him with his every thought? 

  
  


But how will he know Naruto will be okay without him? He is the only one who can make sure he will be. 

Then, Kakashi thinks. Is he absolutely sure that he is the only one who can guarantee his safety? 

  
  


Kakashi’s doubt and his strong will are at odds against each other. 

  
  


He stops at a training ground and leans against a tree. He slides down to sit on the ground carefully and he rocks Naruto in his arms. 

Suddenly, Naruto starts crying and Kakashi dives into panic mode head first. 

  
  


“Shh,” Kakashi tries to comfort him. “What’s wrong, Naruto?” 

  
  


Kakashi rocks him, and he tries to think through his panic. Is he hungry? Does he need to change? 

He really did not think anything through and he started to berate himself. 

What did he know? 

  
  


“Naruto, please don’t cry,” Kakashi begs. “Please?” 

  
  


“Oi Kakashi!” He hears Asuma call behind him, and he lands on his feet. Genma and Gai flank him on either side, and they approach Kakashi like they are wary of a wild animal. 

Genma rolls the senbon in his mouth, and although his body shows that he is flippant, his eyes betray him. It seems like he is preparing himself for a confrontation. 

Gai’s eyes are only expressing worry. 

  
  


“You are in so much trouble!” Asuma scolds. “Do you know what kind of hell my dad is going to put me through?” 

Kakashi clutches onto Naruto possessively. 

  
  


Asuma sighs. “Hey, the kid is hungry, dumbass.” 

Kakashi wants to snap. 

  
  


Genma steps forward. “Alright, Kakashi. Get up, come on. Let’s get Naruto fed.” 

Kakashi watches Genma produce a baby bottle from his pack, and he hands it to him. 

  
  


Kakashi accepts it and he gently puts it into Naruto’s mouth. The child greedily sucks in the warm milk, and Kakashi rocks him as he does so. 

  
  


“What has gotten into you?” Asuma asks him quietly. “The Third told you to stay away.”

Kakashi purposely ignores him. 

“Kakashi,” Gai calls sadly. 

  
  


Genma sighs and he sits next to Kakashi, knowing that his friend is not going to move anytime soon. 

“Look, we are affected by Minato sensei’s untimely death too,” Genma starts, also feeling guilty about his death. He was one of the guards to Lord Fourth, and yet. “But please, don’t do this to yourself.” 

  
  


Kakashi’s eye narrows and he snaps his gaze to Genma. “I have to take care of Naruto.”

Asuma curses under his breath. “Not in that state. Kakashi, you’re out of your fucking mind. This is borderline kidnapping.”

Kakashi’s body tenses, unsettling Naruto. He adjusts the feeding bottle. 

  
  


Gai squats in front of him. “Kakashi, this is very unyouthful of you. My eternal rival would not resort to this. You are not equipped to take care of Naruto when you can barely take care of yourself.” 

  
  


Kakashi gazes at Naruto sadly. He knows that his friends are right, but he can’t just leave Naruto to fend for himself. 

“But I have to,” he says, sounding like a broken record. 

“We know,” Gai says. 

  
  


Kakashi holds Naruto securely against him. 

“Just give me a moment,” Kakashi tells them. “Please.”

  
  


Asuma meets Genma and Gai’s eyes, and they nod at each other to give Kakashi the privacy he needs. 

  
  


For a while, Kakashi holds the tiny child pressed against his chest. The feeding bottle is emptied and he sets it down. 

He is slowly coming to his senses, and it dawns to him that his friends are right. On an impulse, he decided to take Naruto without knowing how to take care of him and it was against the Third’s order. This further proves that he is not a suitable guardian for him. He can’t even control the process of his decision making. He keeps jumping ahead–so unlike the person he is as a shinobi.

In a different life, he is absolutely sure that Naruto would have been raised as his little brother. He would have been the one running errands for him, making sure that his needs are all met. 

  
  


Kakashi looks at the distance and he brings Naruto upright so that he can pat his back and let out a burp. 

  
  


“Naruto,” Kakashi whispers. “I hope you know somewhere deep down, I never gave up on you. I will always be in your shadow, I will watch you grow. I will be here in the darkness, and even if you find it scary, you’ll find that this is a place where you are safe.” 

Finally, he presses his lips against the sleeping child’s forehead, then he heads back to the hospital with Asuma, Gai and Genma to return him. 

Later, he makes his way to the Third Hokage to demand that Naruto be taken care of, and the Third puts out a decree, making those who know of Naruto swear that his origins are to be kept in secret. 

  
  


~

  
  


Twelve years later, Kakashi’s eye lingers on the name Uzumaki Naruto. 

He is to be his student. 

  
  


This must be his second chance.

  
  
  



End file.
